November 25, 2012

Bring It

Maybe it's just because it's far too late at night.  Maybe it's because I've been trapped in this chair for too long.  Maybe it's because bad luck keeps on rolling in.

I thought I might collapse in defeat.  Non-blog related issues sent my brain packing weeks ago.  I hope it is enjoying wherever it is, perhaps on a nice beach in Ecuador, watching the sun rise over the Andes.

But there's a surprise inside.  As I sit here, even with my knee in constant, throbbing pain; even after leaning on my crutches, watching a friend ride Encore today and seeing that he is so unschooled, so lacking in mileage, that he desperately needs to get back in a program; even feeling like poor Sisyphus while Zeus laughs on...

I find myself narrowing my eyes in defiance.

Staring at the mountain of adversity in front of me, there is a wellspring of determination, probably fueled by sheer stubbornnes, but nonetheless picking up momentum as the flow breaks through tiny, nearly invisible cracks.

Even if you put your hand over a flashlight, beams find their way out through the spaces between your fingers and around the edges of your hand.  Even if you put an entire moon over the mass of the sun, a bright corona belies the shadow and the rolling fire at the core flings its rays to the heavens in spite.

Every torturous minute of PT, every rip of pain from a step, and every mind-numbing "walk horse up the hill, walk horse down the hill" will be fueled by this fire.  Because the flames are fanned by a wind I think you know.  It was the wind that whipped my face as Encore stretched out in a gallop in the bright afternoon of our last ride before surgery, ripping the laugh of glee out of my mouth as I felt the enormous power of this Thoroughbred, born and bred and begging to run, leap away and carry me into an unearthly place.

I think you've been there; you don't always enter at a gallop, but you still feel that air in your heart.  It's that which transforms my despair into resolve that we will not be beaten and we will not go quietly.

If you could see the entire path of your journey from the start, you might never take the first step, because the view would surely be terrifying and you might question the worth of your goal.  But if your goal IS the journey, there is really nothing that can stop you.

Except yourself.


  1. This made me smile. YOU GO GIRL!!!

  2. I can so relate to the Sisyphus image...

    One day at a time my friend - we are all behind you cheering loudly!!

  3. I admire your perspective and full on DRIVE

    The journey is what we make it ;)

  4. I got goosebumps reading this! You're going to get there, just take it one day at a time.

  5. Thank you for the encouragement! It can be so frustrating watching it all pile up, but for some reason, something in me WANTS IT. I've never felt that way about anything before....

  6. Rub some dirt on it, suck it up, and walk it off, girl. ;-)

    We've all been there in some form or another. I remember watching my old personal trainer bounce back after a severely broken ankle, then after cutting off 4 of his fingers with a hand saw, etc. and the guy just would.not.give.up. So after I broke my ankle I was back in the gym hobbling around and doing the machines I could just a week after surgery. When the crutches were gone, I was on the elliptical or in spin class or riding a horse, big ski-boot and all. I knew it could be done. And I know my p.t. respected my grit and determination because I pushed myself through it. He said, "You remind ms of me." Shoetly after that, be was in a horrific car crash and in a coma for quite some time. They told him he would never walk again. Not only did be probe them wrong and walk, he was back on the spin bike and teaching class like nothing had ever happened. He was always in horrible pain, but he got through everything by sheer determination.

    Sorry for the long-windedness. Just figured a few examples of others overcoming adversity might help. :-) You can do it! Just swear a lot and drink a beer or two--you'll be fine.

  7. Sorry for all the typos! I'm on my phone. :-/

  8. Wow, Frizz, that really took the wind out of my sails, ROFL! Although I have to give the guy props for cutting off four fingers at once, he is even more talented than me! I've definitely got the swearing and drinking thing under control though -- I'm a fishies biologist, it's in our job description!

  9. Good heavens, Frizz, that is the most accident-prone person I've EVER heard of in my life! The poor man.

    As for YOU, Ms. Shiney Red Horsey Mom, just know that you truly inspire me already with your attitude, toughness, determination and heartfelt love for both the beasts and humans in your life. I SO hope that things get better for you, because you really deserve GOOD things.

  10. Awwwe, thank you, RW, I don't really deserve all that, but it is very sweet of you. I'm definitely not giving up -- I have to hold on to SOMETHING!

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  12. OMG, someone finally told me I was in my right mind! ;-P