And Now For Something Completely (Not) Different, AKA, Encore Has A Vet Addiction

I apologize for the break from our regularly scheduled programming.  Although looking through some recent posts, maybe this IS our regularly scheduled programming!  I had hoped to just post fun lesson videos before departing for a fun mountain ride, but alas, while I still get to hook up the trailer, it’s a much shorter trip (pun not intended).

The crappy cell phone view

Whyyyyyyyyyy?  (ok, maybe you say it with a bit less resignation than I do)

Because, upon lifting his right front bell boot, Encore presented me with this lovely gift on Wednesday evening.


What In The Name Of Cod Is That?

I first thought it was just (yes, after enough horse repairs, it becomes ‘just’) an abscess.  Our dear farrier was stopping by on Thursday anyway to do a quick reset of that shoe to hold it until our appointment next Tuesday.  We both found it dryly amusing that his LEFT front foot was the one he bruised a bit about a month ago.

Farrier snipped away the flap (is it still a flap if it’s the entire thickness of the hoof wall??) and paused.  Ermmmm, I don’t think that’s an abscess.

YUM!	Supplies at ready...

Neither of us can figure out how he managed it.  While he grows ridiculous amounts of toe up front (he’s at four weeks in these pics), his hind toes stay short, neat, and round.  His (thin, cheap) bell boot was not torn at all.  The angle is simply bizarre. 

Now What?

As a biologist, I do appreciate his efforts to fascinate me via self-dissection, revealing internal anatomy.  However, I’d rather just check that out on Google Images.  I let him steep in the magic of an Animalintex pad overnight, dosed up on SMZ’s and bute, with a liberal amount of duct tape.  I wasn’t quite satisfied with the view this morning though.

Still...ew

He’s re-wrapped with some neosporin on gauze to let things dry out a bit.  Since he couldn’t possibly do such a thing on a Monday, the trailer will head out this afternoon to the Batcave Dr. Bob’s clinic for an in-person inspection for weekend peace-of-mind.  He did essentially resect his own hoof.  If experience has taught me anything, it’s that the Unexpected Twist will ALWAYS occur on Saturday afternoon.  :/

That’s Depressing.  Give Us Some Trademark TFS Stupid Stubborn Positives.

Encore is quite sound wandering around his pasture.  There is no swelling in his fetlock or pastern, nor heat, and he had no reaction to the hooftesters on his sole.  He is also an excellent patient, dozing immobile as you poke, hose, wrap, smear, photograph, and peer at his feats (& feets, LOL).

I’m tossing around a few new USEA names for him on teh Facebookz; thus far, I’m rather taken with “Waylaid Again.”  It has a little more flow than “The Vet, Again?!”  Although his barn name is indeed prophetic, even more so if we lived in France.  Or Quebec.  Half the time he walks into the shed, I exclaim, “Encore?!”

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The One Minute Update Post

Thank you, Emily B., I'll try not to kill it!!

So many...so little...things time places ahhhh!  Therefore, you get what you get, but owe you updates, I do!!

• The Bump(s) turned out to be bruised veins.  No, I had no idea horses could do that either.  Told you he was creative.  But Encore is cleared for work (we're not telling him!) with application of magical Dr. Bob creme to bruises, oh except for the obligatory sole bruise.  However, if he is sound enough to do a big, powerful floating trot across rocky dirt for his dinner...he is sound enough to ride on footing, dammit!  

• I will be updating our "For Sale" tab with new items and more information!  Don't miss your chance for some great deals on clothes, tack, & more -- and yes, TFS desperately needs to raise some monehs.  The horses are eating well, but textured feed is a bit crunchy for me, even in milk!

• Just a thank you.  I am so lucky to know a really neat group of people who made the effort to come out and share some food and relax yesterday evening (FARMWARMING PARTY!).  In the shade next to the pasture, on a beautiful, low-key afternoon, it was wonderful to introduce some of my horsey people to my fish (work) people, while actually getting to sit still!  

A bottomless thank you to BFF for organizing the details & telling me to stop freaking out and take a shower, and to her husband for making the most amazing vinegar BBQ chicken and green beans.  I love you all and am so very grateful for your friendship, generosity, and willingness to put up with me (although, I should think that last is fairly entertaining at times).

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How To Make Your Horse Lame

I suppose that got your “WTF???” click.  But I kid you not, Encore heard me typing the last part of the previous post through walls, in the pasture!  He made his final decision when his ears picked up the cell signal of my phone call to BFF, planning a conditioning ride today.  *sad yet unsurprised face*

So I got to spend yesterday afternoon staring at this:

ColdFlex wrap: back in action

This may be true, but so?!

Two calls to the emergency Batphone in two months really is a bit much for my blood pressure, buddy.  Happily, (although probably not for him) Batman Dr. Bob himself was on call this weekend.  His cool practicality born of literally a lifetime of experience (his dad was a vet and a TB breeder, as well) is a perfect antidote for both my brain’s ability to leap from “it’s just a bump” to “lethal tendon injury in 0.3 seconds” AND my imaginary bank account.  Because I was already jumping into the pool of “omg, what imaging do I need?!”

It went something like this:
(I’ll make it easy and put Dr. Bob’s way-less-dorky-than-me-and-actually-useful comments in red) 

“Dr. Booooob (hahaha, my typing impression of my sad fatalistic voice makes him Dr. Boob, yes, I am 12), I came out this morning and Encore has once again telepathically overheard my attempt at actually scheduling something.”

“Of course, he has, he is Encore!”  (even he marvels at the ability of a horse with nothing inherently wrong with him to constantly hurt himself just enough to get out of real work)

But mom, dis all I want to do!

“He has a grape-sized soft swelling on the lateral side of his right front fetlock,  you can feel the ligament rolling back and forth in the squishy.  There is also a small swollen area on the medial side of the same leg, up behind his knee, in the check ligament area.  There is a small amount of heat in each, he is on his second cycle of cold hose/wrap right now.  I palpated all of the soft tissue in both front legs:  he had no reaction.  Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?????????????” (ok, that last I may have only said internally)

“Is he hopping around on three-legs when he comes up?”
“No, he appears sound wandering around his paddock.”
“Is he lame at the trot?"
“I did not do any soundness evals, I didn’t want to mess anything up.”

“Ok, good.  Give him a gram of bute twice a day, keep up the cold therapy, leave him be, and we’ll evaluate on Monday.  To be honest, I’ve seen a zillion of these things and many of them are simple bruises or something similar that just need a few days off and they go away.” 
“Yes, I shaved the fetlock spot and there were signs that he could have knocked something.”
“Yep, let’s just get the anti-inflammatories in his system.  Since he lives outside, just leave him out, he’s not going to do anything goofy.  He can keep moving around so it doesn’t get stiff and increase swelling.”

“Ok, no worries, he is very chill.  It is Solo’s job to generally run around and do something silly.  Plus it’s hot.  I’m sure you’ll be shocked (end sarcasm font), but a couple of questions?”
“Sure!!”

“Should I put anything on it like DMSO or the magical ButaCort creme you gave me?”
“No, just bute and cold.  If there’s a small cut or puncture, I don’t want to put anything on there yet, but good question.”

Master farrier at work

“Should I put him on the longe or anything and evaluate him or just leave him alone?”
“Just leave him alone, the treatment will be the same.”

“Cool.  One more:  Johnathan (awesome farrier) re-shod him on Friday and when he put the left front shoe on, Encore shifted funny when he set it down and felt weird under saddle that evening.  I checked the nails as best I could, and we know he has butt-loads of hoof wall, but he seemed a little weird around the toe.  Could this be a contributing factor?  He hoof-tested all four at the end like he always does, and they were fine, though.”

“No, I seriously doubt it.  Johnathan is way too good for that.  He may just need to reset a nail or the shoe a little, but if we look at him on Monday, we can solve two issues at once.  But as many years as I have been doing this, there really is no point right now to try and pin down a cause.  I’ll be happy if it is just gone on Monday and we can carry on, I don’t need to know why as long as Encore is happy.  I’m really totally fine with that!  Even on the off chance that the two are related…”
 “…the treatment would not change.”
“Correct.”

“Ok, thanks.  I will be happy if it just goes away too!!!  I sent Johnathan a message and will keep him apprised.”
“Bute, cold, go forth.”

End scene.

So I shall.  Go forth.  I’ve got two wraps in the fridge (so I can alternate; never freeze them) for extra cooling.  He was a little stiff walking off after standing in cross-ties for 1.5 hours, but then, so was I.  Three steps later, he was fine and pranced rather spectacularly for his dinner.  I maintain hope for minor windpuffs.

Solo models after a Novice HT in 2010

As for the ColdFlex wraps, wow, did that experiment pay off!  I bought two of them years ago to use on Solo post-XC because ice is just a giant pain in the tail and I only want to bring my little drink cooler.  I was so happy with them I bought two more immediately thereafter!  It wasn’t terribly cheap at $80 for four, but for their convenience, if they were as re-usable as the manufacturer claimed, it would be money well-spent.

Well, they were and it was!!  All four have sat unused in my trailer for at least four years (properly put away in their little baggies and cans with water, of course).  I grabbed the first one to slap it on when I found the injury and it was good as new!!  I soaked it down with cold water, set the fan in front of his leg, and let it do its thing.  I can’t tell you what a life-saver it was to be able to read my reference material, talk to the vet, get things from the house, put on fly sheet, spray horses – all while not having to hold a hose or watch a bucket or worry about ice melting or deal with a boot (they are basically a polo wrap made out of some weird jell-o stuff, so completely flexible).  Win!

Now...bump, I bid thee:  DISAPPEAR!!

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My Horse Has Itchy Intestines

Lovely

Apparently.  Since on Sunday afternoon, I was presented with the delight you see pictured.

While I spent THREE HOURS clipping and probing and tweezer-ing and hosing and de-ticking (at least he’s patient), I told him next time he had an itch, he could just politely point it out so I could take care of it instead of over-dramatically experimenting with self-gutting on his own.  He already looks like burn victim, having used every reachable surface to scratch half the skin off his face.  He’s that little kid that you have duct-tape oven mitts when they get chicken pox so they won’t claw their skin off.  Only I don’t have enough oven mitts for every post.  And tree.  And rock.  And his entire body.

Ah well, I hadn’t used the emergency vet number in a while.  It was just hot enough and swollen enough and oozy enough that I wanted to make sure I had covered all my bases before someone came to check it out Monday and give him a (naturally, expensive) steroid shot.

Here I would like to pause and note the already employed strategery.  This adorable, wonderful, maddening horse is wearing fly boots, fly sheet when it’s not too hot, fly mask, eats garlic, gets fly spray, is treated with a tick drench, and is groomed often.  I will also note that Solo, aka I Used To Be A Giant, Accident-Prone Parasite Magnet…is fine.

He got his shot and I got permission to spend even more imaginary money on things that aren’t even fun, like antihistamines for the season.  He likely got a bit itchy from tick bites, started scratching on the TREE WITH THE FATTEST POISON IVY VINES and then the oils worked their way into broken skin and it all became a systemic cycle of itchiness.  I moved him out of pasture with said trees but then jinxed myself by observing on Saturday that he was healing nicely.

*pause for multiple eyerolls*

Remember this horse (2012) casually loping 3'7" in the chute?

On the plus side, he had the good grace to at least injure himself in a “no tack goes here” spot (I had noticed the scabs and thought movement from a ride might work out the fluid of the swelling; it did, but by the time I got the saddle off, it blew back up and on closer examination, the depth of drama was revealed).  Time is hard to come by at the moment, but I was determined to carve out 20 minutes, climb on and at least remind Encore what standards look like.
 
That ride…was our first proper jump school in – I’d actually have to look in my own archives it’s been so long – at least seven months.  We hacked next door to Trainer Neighbour’s Jump Field, adjusted a few rails, and assured Encore he would not die alone while OTHER HORSES DID INTERESTING THINGS RIGHT OVER THERE!

After perhaps two or three dressage schools over the last two months and a couple good trail rides with hill work:  The Pro still has it!  I channeled my inner David O. voice, focusing on being patient, consistent, and soft in my hand while not forgetting I have legs (what, I STILL have to think about them?) to keep his butt engaged and his poll up.  When Encore got antsy, I heard Becky in my head repeating, “Don’t torture him, give him something to do with that energy!”

C'mon, let me take you for a ride! (High Time Photography)

Reward:  Encore didn’t touch a rail, and our final jump was a 3’4” vertical from a solid rhythm where I stayed soft, kept my shoulders up over the apex, kept my butt off his back coming down, and we cantered away forward, but relaxed.  That arc where we both get it all right at the same time – I have a vague memory of that feeling.  Definitely time to get off now and don’t screw it up!  

Maybe we should all spend a little less time beating ourselves up for not riding “enough” (who defines that anyway??) and lower the pressure by just enjoying time on the back of a horse.  Letting ourselves be pleasantly surprised when picking just a detail or two for focus results in an improved bigger picture.  It doesn’t have to be a jump.  It can be a transition into a trot, three steps closer to that horse-eating tree stump, a more responsive halt, a more accurate turn, or even an anxiety-free hack in the woods.

That's a challenge for all of us -- let me know how it worked out for you!

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So, There's Water Polo, How About Water Eventing?

I should probably just keep a snorkel in my truck at this point.  Even the reservoirs can't hold any more and soil that "never gets muddy" is oh so muddy.  My neighbour tells me he has never seen it this saturated, so at least now I know what to plan for.  He may be regretting selling me his high spots now...

A few of you have noticed, but out of random curiosity, I have placed a poll for you in the sidebar directly above the social media buttons.  Tell me how you get your "fresh reading material" updates and how you follow along with your favourite bloggers!

Since no story ever gets to just wrap up smoothly, despite the fact that they've started power line work and I should have electricity in two weeks (yay!), complications abound.  An insulation subcontractor who for some bizarre reason uses a single-axle dump truck (suspected to be made of lead) with a tarp over it instead of a box truck, wandered up my (completely soaked) farm driveway with half the truck off the edge, resulting a lovely mud slop.  Duly added to list for builder of "things contractors messed up" -- it is a short list, and I think an unavoidable one, but no less annoying for all of that.

The lump mid-cannon on the outside front

With perfectly synchronized timing as my financial assets hit rock bottom until my old house sells (soooo....close....), my truck decides that it might like a couple of new injectors or a driver module.  While it occasionally misfires on a couple of cylinders, I hope against hope it's a $10 wiring harness instead (yeah right), but as long as it is sporadic, after consultation with diesel mechanic, it's fine to keep driving.  It still runs so I waved goodbye and pleaded with My Precious to just be patient, as mom doesn't have $900 to feed you right now.

Feeling left out of the fun, Encore popped a lateral splint, which I discovered on Sunday.  Probably being silly in the pasture.  On the plus side, it's cold, hard, not painful and he shows no lameness while walking and uh, leaping on a packed dirt road.  I consult with Dr. Bob and monitor closely, pleading some more that it's just one of those cosmetic ones.  Just don't start limping!  At least we won't be doing much in the next couple weeks (of mud).

The reason all this is so well-timed is that the state gives this lovely little holiday gift to its employees.  We normally are paid on the last working day of the month.  However, in December, the paycheck comes in two weeks early, before the Xmas holidays.  Which means you get six whole weeks to freak out relax and practice your planning skills until January's check appears.  Two more weeks, two more weeks...

H2Y8SAV65C2V

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Rested, Restored, And Ready To Run?

Yes please.

Dr. Bob knows how hard I work for my horses.  He knows the hours I spend toiling, studying, watching, searching, and fine-tuning every aspect of their existence to give them the best I can.  So it made me feel a little less paranoid when, as he stepped out of his truck Tuesday morning, he said, "I'm hoping I can give you some good news for a change today so you can finally catch a break!"

You and me both, buddy, you and me both.  At least it wasn't just me who felt like the dice kept rolling against us just enough to keep us from, you know, actually doing anything.  I could only keep chanting my life mantra:  nothing lasts forever, nothing lasts forever...

Stuff blew out everywhere.

I had spent the last six weeks dutifully feeding bute, painting on Durasole (thanks for the reminder of its much-loved magic, Yvonne!) and strapping and re-strapping fly boots (thanks, Allie!) and examining every surface and crevice on Encore's four bruised-up feet for any signs of emerging abscess or other "nasties" (hey, that's the term my vet uses, so it's real now!).

As directed, I'd kept him in very light work on grass; even though we knew his hips were out of whack and he was sore, he still needed to do some gentle walking and trotting to keep the blood pumping in his feet, speeding healing and exorcising all evils.  He was all kinds of cattywompus, but after three to four weeks, I felt the footiness subside until all that remained was his out-of-whack hind end and poll.

Check out where that back meridian on top goes!

The latter two were a result of his compensation for his foot soreness.  Interestingly, because of the way the muscles and nerves work, many times a hind end lameness can manifest through a jammed or resistant feeling in the horse's poll on the opposite side.  Even the ancient rules of acupuncture acknowledge this connection, which is pretty remarkable if you consider acupuncture itself dates back to the Stone Age and the use of metal needles dates to at least 113 BC!!

I told Dr. Bob that I believed that he had finally worked out that last significant bruise in his left front foot and, miracle of miracles, had not developed abscesses in any of them.  At times, I am hesitant to make any assertions, as it can be difficult to detect small things in all the colours and dirt layers of a hoof.  But the hoof testers backed me up and I had to let out a giggle of excitement.

Next we had Encore's long-awaited chiropractic adjustment to put all that cattywompus back where it belonged.  Dr. Bob had informed me that yes, he could have adjusted him two weeks ago when we were at the clinic, but it would all get thrown right back out again since Encore was still compensating a bit, so instead of wasting time and money, it was better to hold tight until his feet felt good (this is a vet you keep!).

Not Encore, but that is his favourite stretch!

My big brown beast leaned into the stretches with relish, licking his lips as joints popped and settled from his poll to his tailbone.  Happily, his mid-back was solid so his spring vertebral injections were still doing their trick and his withers and hips quickly fell into line.  I was glad we had decided to inject his hocks six weeks ago; even though they do not have arthritic changes, they were sore from compensatory motion and were now swinging freely and their range of motion was as good or better than ever!  It was with great satisfaction that I watched him trot off across the pasture already looking pretty darn normal again.

Dr. Bob went merrily along his way (significantly more financially merry) after a hearty congratulations and Encore was free to rest and meander around his pasture.  The latter will get today off in case of any soreness from the adjustments and then, I will swing a leg back over to....dare I hope?...bring him back into work.

Don't leave us behind, fall season, we're trying to catch up!!

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I Could Fund Dr. Bob's Retirement. I Probably Do.

Stomp.  Stomp.  Stomp.  Stomp.

With that, we were down for the count again.  If you follow us on Facebook, you already know that Encore has the dubious distinction of managing to bruise all four of his feet at once.  While I felt rather relived when Dr. Bob pronounced his diagnosis, as it was far better than whatever mysterious thing my brain was dreaming up, it was still frustrating and a bit disheartening whilst in the middle of it.  Bite me, fall schedule.

This year has been akin to hoof  murder for many, though.  It went something like this:

Enjoying dinner in a ditch in mismatched anti-stomp finery.

Wet
Dry
Wet
Wet
Wet
Dry
FLIES FLIES FLIES
Wet
Wet
FLIESDRYWETFLIESAGH!

Shoes came loose, muscles got sore from ground concussion, and everyone ended up aggravated.

Sometimes it seems like my sexy brown horse is bent on getting out of work.  Each time we get into the swing of things, we crash into the wall.  Even Dr. Bob shakes his head a bit because Encore has great conformation, wonderful athleticism, and worlds of try.  And there is certainly not anything wrong with him outside of his back's arthritic changes, which have done great with injections and caused no further issues.  He just seems to have picked up his owner's penchant for hurt-yourself-just-enough-to-be-annoying.  Naturally, Mr. Solo Of The Wussy Feet...is fine.

Making a list of his creative ways of hurting himself does make me feel better though.  Yeah, that sounds odd, doesn't it??  But it does remind me that they are all just poorly-timed little things.   A pulled ligament, a foot bruise (psh, who does just one, go big or go home!), a sore muscle.  Irritating, yes, but undeniably a part of owning the sporthorse!

His back feet have already blown out their abscesses.  His hocks were a bit sore from compensating for sore feet and more stomping, so we injected the lower hock joints to tide him through healing (heck, he raced for three years, it's not like he's never had a joint injection) by reducing soreness and letting him move more smoothly and naturally.  Interesting tidbit:  I asked Dr. Bob if there was any data about hock injections in terms of future prognosis, as I know he keeps up on his science.  I was very happy to learn that with hocks, the injections do not exacerbate any issues or limit your treatment window in the same way that coffin or fetlock joint injections can.

He'll stay on his bute until his front feet decide to erupt, remaining in a light riding schedule on grass to help keep the blood pumping in his feet and encourage those bruises to move out and heal.  And of course, I broke out my Durasole and introduced the two of them, along with my fly boots!  I already know from his radiographs that he has lovely, thick soles, they just need to be a bit harder this year to battle the crazed weather on top of hard ground in which rocks are a cash crop.  I also picked up this nifty little battery-powered fly mister for the run-in shed.

Keep an eye on those tootsies, folks, and don't forget, proactive is always better than reactive!  And less expensive, sigh...

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Please Raise Your Hand...

...if you have ever been able to steadily train your horse, then go to an event, without spending the time preceeding it frantically trying to get horse in proper working order and spending sleepless nights wondering if you'll have to scratch...again.

I'm curious if this ever actually happens to people.

Encore did get his back injected and is easing back into work, but is still having some issues, so Dr. Bob shall be stalked once more in search of Now What, Part 893.

Field season has started at work, so my own sleep and time deprivation begins, rendering me nonexistent from now till, oh, November.

It's not all bad -- since Solo had annointed himself Devourer of Equine Apparel, I had purchased SmartPak's Ballistic Turnout Sheet, complete with 10-year guarantee of structural integrity, about mid-winter.  Then I sat back and watched.

It held up surprisingly well to varied attacks, no doubt leaving the biter quite frustrated at his failure.  However, he did prevail and Encore greeted me one morning with a custom air vent added to his attire.

True to SmartPak awesomeness though, I called them up and sent the victim back, at which point they promptly sent me Sheet 2.  The weather has warmed quickly, so it hasn't seen much action, BUT the fact remains that the agreement was honoured and awesomeness maintained.

Solo, of course, is completely content in his immaculate McAllister 600D sheet I purchased at a ridiculously low price on Tack of the Day (and quite like!).  It's easy when you are not the bitee.

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Happy Happy Happy Sad

I have a few more Becky insights to share with you, but to share the most recent reason why only crazy people own horses:

I did our first home long lining session on Saturday and although it took a bit for me to get sorted out, I got some REALLY nice trot work from Encore!  Happy!

Solo and I warm up at Tamarack in 2009.

Monday, after being very patient and positive and ignoring all his silly head flinging and eye-bugging on a cold, windy day, we finally settled into a dressage school and he was connected, moving over his back, and just generally awesome!  Happy!

I noticed on Monday that his left lead canter felt quite disjointed, but I attributed it to post-training muscle soreness and gave him some bute and a few days off.  No problem, a little rest and we can still go visit the Emersons' lovely farm in Southern Pines, Tamarack Hill, for their fantastic schooling HT series (if you haven't, you should go, EXCELLENT courses, Denny and his wife, May really make it a welcoming, educational experience for the horses).  Still sticking with happy...

Today I got on for an evaluation ride so I could make sure he was ok before spending diesel money and getting up at 4 am.  NOT ok.  I have the horse I had a year ago and my gut says he needs his back re-injected.  He is stiff, running around on his forehand, stumbling behind, and very anxious about his back.  Naturally...because we have already entered Longleaf.  And we definitely won't be heading south tomorrow, I will not run him when I know he is uncomfortable; it's a waste of time and money and will only jeopardize future outings.  Sad.

Post-XC Tamarack 2009 -- yeah, it was that good.

On the plus side, I called Tamarack to scratch him and May was very, very kind and generous and has offered to send us some entry money back, which is unheard of in eventingland, yet is like water in a desert to this house of poverty!  Thank you, Emerson peoples!  I am very sorry that I won't get to run their course but I hope we'll get to support their efforts in the future and oh, did I mention, YOU SHOULD GO!  There is another one on April 13th. 

Countdown to Monday morning and call Dr. Bob.  Already emailed the NCSU vet school orthopedist who worked on Encore almost a year ago.  Of course I did.  Sigh.  I don't mind the maintenance at all, but it would be a little less brain-exploding if it had been mentioned that we might need to repeat when there are big changes in strength and fitness...

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Camp David 2013

Almost exactly a year ago, Encore and I went down to SoPines for two days of my invented Personal David Clinic.  Five days from now:  Camp David II.

In a whole year, we have...ummm...tried really hard? 

Encore came out well in the spring, hopped up to Novice, and was going strong over the summer.  August gave us the lovely gift of a pulled SI ligament.  That it took his dense owner two months to figure out.  November rolled around and I was in the OR, getting my knee innards sandblasted, effectively putting me on the curb for about two months.  Meaning I could only provide my muscle-y young horse with hotwalker and longe line sessions and an occasional ride from a friend.

It could have been worse.  Had I gotten my originally intended surgery, I would still not even be able to fully bend my knee at this point, much less walk around fairly freely.  So I was able to start actually Riding Properly in mid-January.  It was still enough time for Encore to lose a lot of that sexy muscle I worked so hard for. 

It feels like I've been back on longer, until I realized that we have not had any type of jump school until our light XC session at a local farm last weekend.  Doing the math, I've only been back in the saddle with focus for maybe four weeks?  So I am excited that Encore is strong enough now to actually step up into the canter again without running on his forehand and jumping evenly and roundly (and regularly saving his rider's rusty butt) once more.

We've lost a lot of time, but we had a dressage lesson Saturday and good (first since October!) stadium school today.  Even better, after spending the winter reading and thinking and watching and thinking some more about straightness and engagement and contact and all the other enigmatic processes of correct riding, I am riding better.  Encore was softer last summer, but he wasn't really connected because despite all the knowledge and years in my head, my body didn't get it until it got it.  Connection and straightness FIRST, then soften.

Yes, yes, we all know.  But do we really REALLY do it?  I wasn't.

Why the training pressure now, you ask?

Because we only have four weeks left until.....

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Bring It

Maybe it's just because it's far too late at night.  Maybe it's because I've been trapped in this chair for too long.  Maybe it's because bad luck keeps on rolling in.

I thought I might collapse in defeat.  Non-blog related issues sent my brain packing weeks ago.  I hope it is enjoying wherever it is, perhaps on a nice beach in Ecuador, watching the sun rise over the Andes.

But there's a surprise inside.  As I sit here, even with my knee in constant, throbbing pain; even after leaning on my crutches, watching a friend ride Encore today and seeing that he is so unschooled, so lacking in mileage, that he desperately needs to get back in a program; even feeling like poor Sisyphus while Zeus laughs on...

I find myself narrowing my eyes in defiance.

Staring at the mountain of adversity in front of me, there is a wellspring of determination, probably fueled by sheer stubbornnes, but nonetheless picking up momentum as the flow breaks through tiny, nearly invisible cracks.

Even if you put your hand over a flashlight, beams find their way out through the spaces between your fingers and around the edges of your hand.  Even if you put an entire moon over the mass of the sun, a bright corona belies the shadow and the rolling fire at the core flings its rays to the heavens in spite.

Every torturous minute of PT, every rip of pain from a step, and every mind-numbing "walk horse up the hill, walk horse down the hill" will be fueled by this fire.  Because the flames are fanned by a wind I think you know.  It was the wind that whipped my face as Encore stretched out in a gallop in the bright afternoon of our last ride before surgery, ripping the laugh of glee out of my mouth as I felt the enormous power of this Thoroughbred, born and bred and begging to run, leap away and carry me into an unearthly place.

I think you've been there; you don't always enter at a gallop, but you still feel that air in your heart.  It's that which transforms my despair into resolve that we will not be beaten and we will not go quietly.

If you could see the entire path of your journey from the start, you might never take the first step, because the view would surely be terrifying and you might question the worth of your goal.  But if your goal IS the journey, there is really nothing that can stop you.

Except yourself.

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WTF Just Happened? AKA The Surgeon's Update

So...I made this giant plan, right?  I pretty much gave up a year of my life to fix this stupid knee thing.  I had everything in place, all the characters lined up, & this massive, intricate web of steps ready to push into motion.

Anticlimax alert.

Then I woke up from anesthesia to be informed that all the tendons in my knee were, in fact, fine.  Big, chopping surgery with drills & such was not performed.  Arthroscopic exploration (which surgeon did say nothing was 100% till that) revealed that all of the issues stemmed from an intra-articular cartilage tear, just under the meniscus.  Which.....

Wait for it.

There is currently no available solution for.

I sat in my bed in puzzlement, looking from lifeshighway (BFF) to nurses to leg & back to lifeshighway.

What?

What happened instead was that the surgeon debrided (read:  power sanded & sucked out) all the loose cartilage edges & built up inflammatory tissue (a lot!), wrapped it up & sent me home, now neatly moved into the "oop, can't fix, no longer interesting surgical case" category.

It's not a bad thing that I now have a two-three month recovery instead of an eight month one.  But now I'm sitting here with this heap of plan in my lap going, Heh.  Now what?

After the nerve block wore off, I spent Saturday in a whole new world of pain I didn't even know existed (thank cod I requested the stronger drugs), was dragged to salvation by two amazing friends, had insane explosion of plan remnants yesterday in "you can't make this shit up" realm, & now on Tuesday am just resting till I go back to work & PT next Monday.

Long term prognosis:  I am now a horse.  We will try maintenance HA (hyaluronic acid; at least I'm a nice enough horse that I get the expensive stuff) injections & I will rebuild muscle around the joint.  I will then just manage flare-ups until someone invents a solution.

Lifeshighway & I remain scratching our heads from the abrupt departure from expected occurrences.  I've been putting this thing together since late summer, building up to it, building up to it, ready to get my solution, then WHAM-O!  Just kidding, you'll be fine by February, except not really.  Now you're just another person with a bum knee.

Have fun with that!

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An Emotional Blender

Our farrier met me in a bitterly cold wind this afternoon and pulled Encore's shoes; the final touch ending my desperate attempt at a fall season.  At least I won't have to get all crabby about riding in the dark all winter. 

It's not all bad -- Encore no longer shows any pain in his hip or hindquarter from his ligament injury, which is great.  Now we just need to work on loosening up the tight tendons and ligaments in the area and make sure to keep them moving throughout the winter.  The Majykal Hotwalker (my new best friend) will help keep his muscles toned and hopefully, the round pen and a lovely rider of a friend can keep a hint of topline on him.

In addition, there is Amber.  Delightful, thoughtful, enthusiastic Amber who showed up out of nowhere and brightened my life really at its darkest moment.  She will be helping me keep Solo in shape and showering him with the attention he has been craving.  I laughed out loud on Sunday as I glanced at him:  Amber was brushing him and his bright eyes and pricked ears were locked on me, saying, "FINALLY!  Thank you for this most excellent minion!"  He was in heaven.  At least until he found out there would be SOME work involved.  But he was quickly bribed back to joy with a giant peppermint stick.

My surgery comes next Friday and this week is a crazy one at work, so the clock is ticking.  I will be stockpiling feed and digging out my old crutches and relishing my last moments with my legs wrapped around a warm, wonderful horse.  I lean against their necks and breathe deeply, hoping I can save up their essence to get me through to the other side.

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I Think It's Over Now

I've been in this blind panic, trying to get Encore going properly for Virginia, my destination event of the year, the one thing I've set my sights on that was to be a balm for my life, a grand adventure of a true 3-day event with a great team of friends.

He never gets sore spots.

I've decided instead to invest in pet rocks.

Encore has had soreness in his left hip ever since he slipped at Five Points in September.  I, like an idiot, took two horse trials to figure out what was even going on.  It's not like him to go into the ring and pull 5 rails in stadium.  He should NOT be getting 44's in dressage.  I blamed my riding, I blamed lack of preparation.  FINALLY, I was able to piece together the evidence, see a timeline and figure out he was just plain sore. 

Dr. Bob came out several times, as mentioned previously.  He put the skeletal pieces back where they belong and gave the muscles and ligaments a little juicy help. 

On our Facebook page, I mentioned we did a trail ride on Saturday -- some walk/trot work on hills.  As soon as he picked up the trot though, I could feel his diagonals were uneven.  The muscles in his hindquarters fatigued quickly.  He was hot and sweaty in less than an hour; not normal for a fit young horse.  There was obviously something else stressing his system.

So I spoke to Dr. Bob yesterday and he instructed me to try everything last night and see what I had.

What I had was a tense, anxious horse, ears pinned back, teeth grinding, tail swishing, who would not step under with his left hind.  He kicked out, he dropped his hind end in downward transitions, and in general, I felt like I was torturing him.  But I had to collect the data.  After the ride, I admit I ended in tears because I knew he was only getting worse in work and I knew that, barring unicorn magic, our journey for the year was over after a frustrating fall half-season and  now, my riding was done for a long time.

I palpated and tested and stretched post-ride.  Everything seemed concentrated around the SI/ligaments/muscles on top of his left hip.  Strains to the SI ligament often happen when a horse slips at a gallop at the moment that leg is loaded:  exactly what he did a month and a half ago.  I will talk to Dr. Bob again  later today and I will wait and see, but odds are I will be calling in a scratch next week and I will just eat $400.

Because there comes a point where it's all about you and stops being about your horse.  I could probably push him through the event, but then it is all about my personal wants and NOT about what is best for him in the long term.  So I choose him.  I choose what I hope will allow him to continue to perform for many years to come. 

It could change, something magical might happen in the next week.  That has not been my experience.  While I am heartbroken, there is also a little bit of relief -- taking away the pressure of getting to the horse trial took away the panic and anxiety of wondering how he will make it.  Now if it works, that's great, but if it doesn't, I'm now mentally prepared to pull his shoes and start over again next summer.

So now it's just me and two half-broken horses, kicking around the broken remnants of our goals.  Maybe we'll share a beer and share a dream of a brighter comeback.  Maybe we'll just lean on each other and watch the days crawl by, waiting, always waiting, for a little luck to glance our way. 

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Back To School

So many things going, trying to cram every possible moment in before I am hobbled....

Batman (Dr. Bob -- he and Robin broke up, so now we only have the one, snif) visited on Tuesday and "refixed" Encore.  As I suspected, his tight hip muscle had rotated his pelvis again and his sacrum was tilted from his slips at 5 Points, so that all got worked out and he got a bit of muscle relaxer in the left hip ligaments to hopefully help keep things in place, along with a steroid in the right hip to tighten up that muscle for the same reason.  He has two days off, then tomorrow, a 2-hour date with the hot walker.  This weekend, we'll go back into work with low jumps and next week, with bated breath, training resumes.

The good part of the tradeoff is that I have gotten to spend some much-needed time with Solo.  Last night, we went down to the arena and did some stretching, lateral work, and transitions.  Damn, that horse is a nice-moving, well-trained horse.  Sigh.  I suspect he could improve with an SI injection, but he, unlike his brother, is uninsured so no bone scan or fancy back needles are in his future.

He still felt good once he warmed up and he still loves that extended trot (well, the lopsided version his current out of shape self can do).  I give thanks to Encore for making me a significantly better rider, so I was able to keep Solo soft in the bridle and push his back legs forward forward forward (No easy feat.  Solo firmly assures me that his butt only exists to hold his tail on).  Oh how I long to run a XC course on him again -- I am sure he does as well!

As we finished, our BO came into the ring for the weekly adult lesson group and we started talking.  I've offered Solo to him as a lesson horse for the many kid lessons he gives where they are just walking around, learning the basics and being comfortable on a horse.  Mr. Shiny is kind and generous, completely unphased by children running beneath his belly (yes, they have, headshake), and in about four steps, if he knows you are clueless, he will move at a snail's speed and take excellent care of you.  It will give him a chance to feel important (he loves having his ego stroked, you should see him ponying Encore, he takes no sass) and to be brushed and petted by new people, all the attention that he craves.

I have mixed feelings -- because of his past, I have always been very careful about the scenarios that I put him in, and because of his trust issues, I watch carefully to make sure no one accidentally waves the red flag.  There are certain shadows that will never vanish.  No one is able to longe him or even carry a longe whip by him except for me and he keeps a close eye on all other kinds of whips, especially if they are held up at the ready.  Despite years of training him to give to poll pressure, he will still freak out if he steps on his own rope or backs up against his halter.  It will be hard for me to know that someone is handling him when I am not there.

But if there is one person I trust to protect him and respect him, it is this BO.  Solo is already the darling of the barn staff (he's so manipulative) and BO is no exception.  I have spent months watching him train and ride his own and clients' horses, as well as work with his own instructor and he is the real deal.  I have never once seen him be unfair or harsh with a horse or allow his students to be.

It will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok......

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The Horseman's Decision

Dr. Bob warned me on Tuesday that Encore would be sore for a while following a rather large chiropractic adjustment and recommended that I keep him on bute for the rest of the week.  I asked if he would be ok to do the horse trial and he didn't say no.  But I saw a look that I knew and I wondered.  Looking back, I think he made a gamble and because he knows me, hoped it would work.

I schooled Encore lightly on Thursday, some walk/trot lateral and stretching work and a few crossrails.  He felt great.

We trailered to the Horse Park on Friday and settled in for the night.  I wanted to hack him that evening, but ran out of time and daylight and we had to settle for a walk.

Carolina dawn.

 The Moment of Weakness

Dressage warmup was ugly.  Encore was unfocused.  I regretted not making the time to at least longe him the day before.  He had no bend, ignored my leg except to leap forward from every application.  He was stiff, cranky, and anticipatory.  40 minutes of work brought some improvement and I thought we might squeak through.

We didn't.  He turned like a motorcycle, ignored every aide, had no bend in either direction, stiffened and braced whether I was soft or not, and generally brought me near to tears by the end.  Which is almost impossible.  I made a promise on this blog that I would be open about the whole process, that I would not create some kind of false Facebook life where only the good is shared.  So yes, there is a video.  A sad, sad video.  Erm, at least I am getting better at sitting up straight?  And yes, yes he is violently allergic to the rail and wanders drunkenly down the long side like a lost cow. 



I slumped in despair when we left the arena.  Arriving back at our stall, where we were next door to our friend Sue and her magical, wonderful homebred, Rocky The Amazing Horse, I finally said it out loud:  "This just makes me want to give up.  I want to pack up my trailer right now and go home."

The Rally

I didn't.  I took a deep, shaky breath and took a long look at my horse.  I gave him a snack and a drink and thought hard.  He is a worker bee, he does not generally just behave like an asshole because he can.  Gearing up for stadium jumping (it was a one day HT), I decided to feel every step and carefully evaluate what was going on beneath me.

He jumped five or six warmup fences well, moving up when I asked and mostly maintaining a rhythm.  But he leaned hard on the left rein and his left lead canter was a bit flat.  We started our course and after jump 1 when he hit the ground running, the pieces began to form a clearer picture.

He ran at the jumps and about halfway through, started pulling rails behind.  There were only 9 fences so it ended quickly and as we walked out, the answer was clear:  his left hip was still sore, despite the bute and he needed more time.  Apparently a few jumps was ok.  15 was too many.

The Big Decision 

We began our walk over to XC, my first thought being, "Well, we might as well finish."  Then I paused.  Why?  There was nothing to gain -- the course was EXACTLY the same as the once we jumped at 5 Points, there were no new challenges.  I hadn't checked our dressage score, but I've gotten fairly accurate in my assessments and it certainly was not competitive and we'd just pulled at least 3 rails.  I knew my horse was sore and there was nothing to be gained by running him up and down hills for 4 minutes, knowing he would jump flat, chip in, and generally try his best while being physically compromised.  That would just be stupid.

So I walked over to the steward (who was very kind and sympathetic, thank you), calmly informed her we were withdrawing because my horse was sore, and returned the barn to pack up.

The legendary CHP steeplechase infield would not see this Thoroughbred's hoofprints today.

Disheartening?  Absolutely.  A hard choice?  Not really, because I strive to always put my horse first.  Frustrating?  Well, considering my day would have been better spent drinking and setting $300 on fire, yes, I'd say so.  Six hours of driving and we had neither learned nor developed a thing.

The Aftermath

I knew someday it was a choice I would have to make -- looking out for my horse in the long term vs. the short term gratification of completing an event.  It was a choice I will never forgive myself for not making for Solo and it cost us both a great deal.  It was the indisputably right choice to make for Encore yesterday.  I was also encouraged that people in stabling near us that I didn't even know expressed their support and good wishes for our choice and our future when we made it back.

I don't think there is any real damage done; I will talk to Dr. Bob on Monday and assess.  The only real stressor is that we have four weeks and I'm already $400 in to the VA Horse Trials in November.  A part of me wants to just give up, scratch, move the surgery up and be done with it.  This fall season was supposed to be fun, the last good thing I had to look forward to for a long time.  Since 5 Points, it has not been fun.

Because I think it all traces back to that point (ha, see what I did there):  Encore was going very well and had an excellent dressage test.  But he had two big slips on XC on the hard ground and even then, I felt something that I couldn't identify and he jumped poorly on Sunday.  Now I am just upset with myself for not figuring out the problem sooner -- a tweaked up back that just needed a reset and some time, which I attempted to do too close to a competition because I was too slow.

But I am stubborn.  Perhaps stupidly so.  But I'm not giving up just yet; I never thought for a second any of this would be easy.

As of this past Wednesday, he is tapped for studs and wore them on Saturday, so we shall have no more slipping.  Hopefully, all he needs is a bit more time for his hip to settle and rest and he will be back to good.  Did you hear that, big, young, thing?  Get good, I need you!

Oh, we'll be back.  The dream will not die that easily.

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You Buy, You Break

I could smell it already -- the clean air in a silent forest at the top of the mountain, a living quiet broken only by the sound of hooves on pine needles and limestone.  So when I went up to the farm last night, I thought I'd just do some light dressage schooling with Encore, focusing on suppling his muscles in balance, because he had a weekend of serious mountain climbing ahead.

That would have been way too easy.

It was a beautiful evening, too, and I almost quivered with anticipation of the soft, zen vibe of sitting on my horse in the setting sun.  Then I pulled off his fly sheet.

Raging across the middle of his back was a huge scrape, swollen and hot and sore to the touch.  You may have heard my bubble popping as I remembered why you have to always live in the moment with horses.

He hadn't broken the skin, just torn off all the hair and it looked much like I feel when I whack my hip on the corner of a dresser and say many bad words.  So I rubbing in some SoreNoMore and covered it back up.

It was a perfect opportunity to snag a bareback ride on Mr. Shiny instead, so I pulled him out, much to his glee as he has been doing his eye-begging once again, pleading me to fuss with him.  I started brushing him down and curried some mud off his hind fetlock -- to discover a full-thickness filet cut upwards through his ankle.  I could lift up the flap of skin and see pink tissue inside.

Of course.  My theory that the more horses you have, the more injured horses you have, stands intact.

Solo did not have any heat, swelling, or any signs of a problem around the cut, so I crammed a bunch of purple goo in there while he yawned.

Tonight, Encore's back looked and felt significantly better, so I hope that we will still be able to enjoy our mountain weekend.  It's not just about relaxing, it's something I have been trying to do all summer, because Encore lives in Flat Land and the mountain work could well be a make-or-break for his fall season, as he still needs a boost in hind end strength.  Our BFF riding partners have finally had an opportunity to get away and it is valuable in so many way. 

But somehow, and I don't even see how this is possible, I yet again end up at the last minute wondering, "Will he be better?  Do the pros outweigh the cons?  How does this fit into the big picture?"

Over it....

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Away Again IS Away Again!

That's right, baby Flying Solo is back in business and got the seal of approval from David last Saturday at our lesson.  I had hauled Encore up to Virginia where he was giving a clinic at a friend's farm because it was exactly three weeks after his injections, when the vets told me to evaluate -- I figured who better to evaluate than the man who had given me the plan in the first place!

A lesson with David is never easy, but he has an unfailingly quick eye and his worlds (literally) of experience always gets you where you need to go.

You start with what I like to call the David Circle Of Death -- while it looks deceptively easy, you are working HARD and it usually leaves me panting desperately, chanting Do not fall off your horse in front of him, do not fall off your horse in front of him....  I could still breathe at the end this time, which leaves me wondering whether my protein shakes are indeed working or David was just being easy on Encore.  I'll pretend it was the first one, it makes me feel better.



I barely managed to not squeal aloud with glee when David pronounced him better, but I couldn't contain a completely foolish grin of joy.

You then follow with an alluringly simple gymnastic, which you unfailingly override and then feel like an idiot.  But the horses do fine and get to thinking about picking up their feet and putting the jump in the middle of their bascule.



Next you begin to work a few lines.  As noted on the video, I really struggled with the grey oxer -- something about the colour and arrangement of the poles made it impossible for me to read and Encore seemed to struggle with getting a line on it as well.  It was a very odd feeling to turn the corner and see...nothing.  That has never happened to me before and as a result, I proceeded to mess it up many times.



Once your horse is traveling well through the lines, you put some courses together, increasing in complexity.  The jumps stayed low this time since Encore hasn't jumped in over a month, but he felt good and when I wasn't doing ridiculous things on his back, he jumped well.  No rushing, no anxiety -- the problem really WAS the pain and not my training.  Which makes you feel good.  Then bad.  Then good.  Then bad.  Then you just try to stop thinking about it.



During our last course, Encore's weak side got tired; you can see he struggles to pick up his left lead.  David still never fails to have a simple fix for me.  Everything goes smoothly when he is around -- I just need to somehow kidnap him and haul him around in my trailer to horse trials.  Except his wife would most certainly murder me in the night.  Dangit.

Thank you so much to Sue, the farm owner, clinic hoster, and mad tough eventer, for taping us!  After being gone all week chasing fish, I hope to spend the weekend getting back in the groove while trying not to die of heat exhaustion.  The lake just might win me over, though, when the Carolina sun gets brutal around 3:00 in the afternoons...

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Diagnostic Geek-Out Imminent

After I left Encore at the NCSU Equine Hospital on Wednesday night, things proceeded roughly like this (italics are me):

Wednesday night:

He's not lying in his stall, whinnying in anguish.  He is not lying in his stall, whinnying in anguish.  Dr. Newman said he would call on Thursday when Encore was going into his bone scan tomorrow, so I will just try and breathe deeply till then.

Thursday:

Did my phone ring?  How about now?  Now?  How about now?  Ahh, I have to pee, I'm taking my phone with me.  It still didn't ring.  How about now?  Well, I guess they would call me if he died.

Friday:

10:30 am; Dr. Newman calls with results of bone scan -

"Overall, he looks pretty good.  There are three hot areas, in his left stifle, left hock, and the spinous processes of his thoracic spine.  So I would like to do radiographs there, unless you prefer to try blocks first.  I'm not sure if it's just his back or if there are any surgical lesions on his hock or stifle"

When looking at bone scan images, darker areas indicate where there has been greater uptake of the radioactive isotope into the bony structures.  This can mean a potential problem area, but keep in mind, that it is only an indicator to help zero in on spots, because it will show you EVERYTHING.  Dr. Newman said almost all horses will show up hot in their sesamoids, withers, and some elbows.

A nice matched set of knees.

Pretty  matchy scan on the hind feet too.

 ZOMG, you said the "s" word.  No problem.  I'm totally not freaking out right now.  It's only $600 more, radiograph away, my friend!

11:00 am:  Dr. Newman informs me that Encore is going into radiology.  At this point I realize my horse has basically just gotten to be high for two days and I start to feel less bad for him.

11:30 am:  Dr. Newman calls with the results of radiographs -

"His hock and stifle are lovely and clean, so I suspect there is just some bone bruising there or bruising at tendon/ligament attachments.  His neck and cervical spine are beautiful and some of the cleanest we've ever seen.  What Dr. Redding and I feel is causing the problem are the arthritic changes between his vertebrae from about T15 to L1 and we'd like to inject those."

Look at that hock -- pretty darn clean, I can't ask for much more than that!

Left stifle.  Radiographs fascinate me.  But you can see the joint edges are pretty dang clean and smooth.

So no surgery?

"No, no surgery."

OMG, my horse and I are a perfectly matched pair.  This is the same procedure I got last year, only I didn't get to be doped out on xylazine.  Go get 'em, vet-man.

Shortly after that, I was able to pick Encore up and take him home for three days of pen rest, after which I am slowly bringing him back to work over the next 2-3 weeks.  If there are any lingering issues at that point, we can poke and block and see if we can chase them down.  Dr. Newman also sat down with me when I arrived to rescue the pony and went through the imagery with me.  It was easily apparent (if your entire career has been training to look for small differences in details) where the problem was.

Bone scan of happy withers.  Notice the spinous processes above the vertebrae are clearly defined.

Now compare that to his thoracic spine (back of the saddle) -- the processes are dark and indistinct.

Radiographs confirm -- see the nice spaces between the processes at his withers?  Happy withers.

Back to his thoracic spine and you can see the uneven edges of arthritic change and that the spaces between vertebral processes have shrunk.  Very common in riding horses, especially short-backed horses.

Four injection needles inserted and position checked prior to injection.  This one gave me shuddering flashbacks to the horrific pain of my own injections but Encore got sweet sweet drugs, so the vet said he didn't even flinch.

So, best case scenario, I bring him back in 3 weeks, he is fixed, I jump up and down and I never have to talk to you again?

Dr. Newman:  "LOL, yes, that is the most likely outcome."

Now, my goals are Training Level long format events, which are 3'3" jumps.  We're not asking for Rolex, but will he have a problem with this?

"No, he should do just fine."

If I didn't have massive personal space issues, I would hug you right now, but I do, so let's just pretend.

Is it just me, or did his laugh sound relieved?

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