Look, It's Hard Being Six People At The Same Time

So many posts that need writing, so little brainpower available to throw at them.  But there are exciting things coming up, I swear, including a contest.  Like, with actual prizes!

Monday, I sat down with Dr. Bob at the clinic to talk about short- and long-term management options and possibilities for dear little Encore.  As many of you know, last spring, with the help of the amazing orthopedic department at NC State University's Vet School, we were able to pinpoint Encore's hind end subtle quirks and pain to arthritic changes in his vertebral processes between T12-L1.  He was injected at the vet school (although a resident told me this process would never have to be repeated, which seemed highly biologically improbable at the time and later, I learned my instincts were right) and over the process of three weeks, returned to comfort and full work.  Of course, he then promptly slipped and pulled his SI ligament at Five Points HT that August.  *headdesk*

Being a star at Holder Event Team's Windhaven Farm.

When we returned from our magical fantasy time with Becky, out of nowhere, his back flared up and it was as if someone had flipped a switch, turning my strong, balanced horse into the stumbling, rushing, anxious kid of a year ago.  I was caught so completely off guard, I admit to full-on panic, frantic weekend emails to NCSU (which were actually answered, bless them) and whirling confusion as to what this all meant.

Dr. Bob was able to reinject his back with no issues after consulting with the Vet School, with the clocking ticking down to Longleaf Pines HT.  I did not want to push a sore horse, so I deeply hoped he would feel better quickly and not make me eat $220 of entry fees.

Long story short, it was bumpy, but he began to make positive progress this past weekend and it looks as if he will ok to head to my favourite horse trial on Saturday.  But I had some things to think about and some questions to ask.

Would managing his back spiral into insanity, leaving both of us in a constant state of anxiety and frustration?

Would Encore even be able to make it in eventing -- all I want is Training Level and he can jump that from a standstill.

Should I consider surgery?

Head spinning, quite exorcist-like, I crashed through the clinic doorway and assaulted our poor, wonderful vet with all of it.  In his trademark practical, calm delivery, he allayed many of my concerns and quieted the howling confusion and uncertainty yet again.

As his imagery shows, Encore's vertebral changes are low-grade, a 1 out of 4.  He does not show bone loss or fusion and still has joint space, even though it is reduced.  By keeping his topline strong, continuing to teach him to use his body in a round outline, and keeping the inflammation at bay with periodic injections, he should not have a problem achieving the goals I have set for us.

So I decided to start breathing again.  That is reasonable management and that I can do.  I am well aware by now that a horse in training and competition WILL need management of some kind.  As soon as you begin to challenge their body, unless you are just insanely lucky (and I sort of hate you), you will have to support that body, just as you would any athlete's, through diet, medical care, physical therapy, and all those other details.  Be it injecting hocks or padding feet or supplying Adequan or calming ulcers or building up stifles or unlocking a weak joint or muscle, once you enter the sporthorse game, those cards will land on your table.

The decision we must make, then, includes defining what is reasonable for both horse and human.  If it's a joint injection and muscle building, well heck, half of that I need to do anyway and the other half is pretty straightforward and low on the "things that help our horses" totem pole, so I'm ok with that.  Solo needed his hocks done every six months when he was in work.  Encore needing the same for his back every 8-10 months (pretty much the same price) is fine.  In fact, it may be less than that -- doing ten days of very intensive training in a row, in my reality, is not something that is going to happen again any time in the foreseeable future, so that level of body stress for a prolonged period of time will be rare (thank goodness for BOTH of us).

For today then, Encore and I will continue to be a matched pair, with a bit of crunch in our backs that, with a little helping hand, doesn't diminish our enthusiasm for the road ahead.  Hopefully, it will stay that way.

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Bring It

Maybe it's just because it's far too late at night.  Maybe it's because I've been trapped in this chair for too long.  Maybe it's because bad luck keeps on rolling in.

I thought I might collapse in defeat.  Non-blog related issues sent my brain packing weeks ago.  I hope it is enjoying wherever it is, perhaps on a nice beach in Ecuador, watching the sun rise over the Andes.

But there's a surprise inside.  As I sit here, even with my knee in constant, throbbing pain; even after leaning on my crutches, watching a friend ride Encore today and seeing that he is so unschooled, so lacking in mileage, that he desperately needs to get back in a program; even feeling like poor Sisyphus while Zeus laughs on...

I find myself narrowing my eyes in defiance.

Staring at the mountain of adversity in front of me, there is a wellspring of determination, probably fueled by sheer stubbornnes, but nonetheless picking up momentum as the flow breaks through tiny, nearly invisible cracks.

Even if you put your hand over a flashlight, beams find their way out through the spaces between your fingers and around the edges of your hand.  Even if you put an entire moon over the mass of the sun, a bright corona belies the shadow and the rolling fire at the core flings its rays to the heavens in spite.

Every torturous minute of PT, every rip of pain from a step, and every mind-numbing "walk horse up the hill, walk horse down the hill" will be fueled by this fire.  Because the flames are fanned by a wind I think you know.  It was the wind that whipped my face as Encore stretched out in a gallop in the bright afternoon of our last ride before surgery, ripping the laugh of glee out of my mouth as I felt the enormous power of this Thoroughbred, born and bred and begging to run, leap away and carry me into an unearthly place.

I think you've been there; you don't always enter at a gallop, but you still feel that air in your heart.  It's that which transforms my despair into resolve that we will not be beaten and we will not go quietly.

If you could see the entire path of your journey from the start, you might never take the first step, because the view would surely be terrifying and you might question the worth of your goal.  But if your goal IS the journey, there is really nothing that can stop you.

Except yourself.

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A Gear In The Complex Machine, Pt. I

Before I start, to all my friends, human and equine, north of me, please stay safe and wear a lifejacket!  I know those areas are not as accustomed to our tropical visitors as we are down here, so just buy an extra case of beer and keep your blankets handy.

Seriously, sun!!  At Waredaca!!  In October!!!

I've been gone the last four days (Wed-Sat, I know, I heard you sobbing) doing my annual volunteer stint at the Waredaca Training 3-Day Event (now including the Novice 3-Day!), which is run by my beloved Area II Adult Riders (see sidebar) group with the help of Gretchen Butts, the owner of Waredaca who donates the use of her amazing facility (omg, the XC footing...) to use for the event.  As longtime readers know, this event has been my riding goal ever since I first set foot on the showgrounds in 2009.  And hell or high water (both of which you might actually be in right now?), I WILL ride that course.  I tried to make it happen last year.  We all know how that ended.  But not this year.

I am always a strong proponent of volunteering for our sport.  I firmly believe EVERY SINGLE MEMBER from me to Boyd Martin should be required to spend 8 hours volunteering each year if they want to compete at a recognized event.  Doing ANYTHING.  Because there is a lot more to running a horse trial than judging cross country jumps.  Every time you are out there competing, we are running around like mad behind the scenes, most of us completely unpaid, there for the love of the sport, without which, you couldn't feel the rush of that course.  We make it happen for you - pass it on. 

Psh, a few judges, a TD, and some jump judges, what more could it take, you think?

Task Priori:  Keep Russell the russell warm!

I arrived around lunchtime on Wednesday; the first soundness jog-up was scheduled for late afternoon.  OMG, THE SUN WAS SHINING (This never happens; the T3D is usually held in 30 mph wind with a cold rain, during which I wear all the clothes in my suitcase at one time)!  I held on for dear life as the golf cart launched into warp drive to collect order of go sheets, distribute them to Gary from GRC, our dedicated photographer, Brian O'Connor (yeah, that one), smart-ass the entertaining announcer, TD, ground jury, and myself (jog steward) and one fellow yearly volunteer who also doubles as the stabling manager (MASSIVE job who is in charge of everything including safety checks, shavings, payments, posting announcements, answering 1,000 questions, and keeping the snack bowl stocked).  We also hold a briefing for riders, led by Stephen Bradley of how to organize your time and pace on endurance day (roads and tracks, steeplechase, cross country).  The riders stare back like spotlit kittens on a highway.

Post-jog, there is dinner to prepare for, dressage tests to be organized on clipboards with 27 pens apiece for judges and scribes, more orders of go for the warmup steward and all the rest (that printer's already smoking in protest),  The arena is set up, and everyone is already in pre-freak-out mode about endurance day (Friday).

The 10-minute box:  the last thing between you and XC

Thursday, as the frightened kittens riders perform their tests in the sandbox, I am once again clinging to a golf cart that is surely performing outside of its design specifications as we bounce off clumps of dirt on the side of a hill.  Have all the flags been staked for roads and tracks?  Where is the steeplechase practice jump?  Will the steeplechase be the same for Novice and Training (nah, they hedge-trimmed inbetween)?  Has someone fixed that decoration that blew over?  How are we going to stretch the 10 extra Friday volunteers (for shame, peeps, for shame) over 47 positions?  Is the 10-minute box roped off?  Can someone put out the finish flags for phase C?  Where is the start box for D?  Who will be control for cross country and will they be on the same radio channel as roads and tracks?  Has anyone seen the TD?  Have we picked rider reps yet?  Don't tell them how much paperwork it involves.  No one has STILL fixed the blowover?  Thank cod vet school minions are showing up to help in the 10-minute box!  Will we ever convince the kittens that the end of B and the start of C are the same location?  By the way, did anyone ever mark that?   

You get the idea.

I managed to steal about 30 minutes to watch Tremaine Cooper (FEI course builder and excellent teacher) and Stephen Bradley coach some of the riders through steeplechase practice after their dressage tests.  Two words:  FAST and FUN.  Just let go, ride the gallop, and it becomes a beautiful thing.

Want it done right?  Hire OCD girl.

Then I spent about 1.5 hours putting together all the clipboards for endurance day judges, talking through the system with the volunteer coordinator, labeling, re-labeling, stacking, mapping, and hoping people would actually show up.   After that, it was helping Michele, our magical, incredible prize coordinator, organize prize buckets and loot from a variety of donors and sponsors.

Then it was more dinner, including more attempts by our dedicated volunteer vet, Dr. Julie, and Max Corcoran (do I even need to explain who she is?) to teach riders how to untangle the pile of 4 phases of string and make it into a smooth line of endurance day awesomeness:  A - B - C - 10 min box - D - vet check - done.

Led by a cold beer and a warm bed, I was passed out by 9:30 pm.  And there were still two days to make happen, two days to give 50 lucky people the (safe!) ride of their lives around a championship level course.  Easy....

To be continued...      

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I Think It's Over Now

I've been in this blind panic, trying to get Encore going properly for Virginia, my destination event of the year, the one thing I've set my sights on that was to be a balm for my life, a grand adventure of a true 3-day event with a great team of friends.

He never gets sore spots.

I've decided instead to invest in pet rocks.

Encore has had soreness in his left hip ever since he slipped at Five Points in September.  I, like an idiot, took two horse trials to figure out what was even going on.  It's not like him to go into the ring and pull 5 rails in stadium.  He should NOT be getting 44's in dressage.  I blamed my riding, I blamed lack of preparation.  FINALLY, I was able to piece together the evidence, see a timeline and figure out he was just plain sore. 

Dr. Bob came out several times, as mentioned previously.  He put the skeletal pieces back where they belong and gave the muscles and ligaments a little juicy help. 

On our Facebook page, I mentioned we did a trail ride on Saturday -- some walk/trot work on hills.  As soon as he picked up the trot though, I could feel his diagonals were uneven.  The muscles in his hindquarters fatigued quickly.  He was hot and sweaty in less than an hour; not normal for a fit young horse.  There was obviously something else stressing his system.

So I spoke to Dr. Bob yesterday and he instructed me to try everything last night and see what I had.

What I had was a tense, anxious horse, ears pinned back, teeth grinding, tail swishing, who would not step under with his left hind.  He kicked out, he dropped his hind end in downward transitions, and in general, I felt like I was torturing him.  But I had to collect the data.  After the ride, I admit I ended in tears because I knew he was only getting worse in work and I knew that, barring unicorn magic, our journey for the year was over after a frustrating fall half-season and  now, my riding was done for a long time.

I palpated and tested and stretched post-ride.  Everything seemed concentrated around the SI/ligaments/muscles on top of his left hip.  Strains to the SI ligament often happen when a horse slips at a gallop at the moment that leg is loaded:  exactly what he did a month and a half ago.  I will talk to Dr. Bob again  later today and I will wait and see, but odds are I will be calling in a scratch next week and I will just eat $400.

Because there comes a point where it's all about you and stops being about your horse.  I could probably push him through the event, but then it is all about my personal wants and NOT about what is best for him in the long term.  So I choose him.  I choose what I hope will allow him to continue to perform for many years to come. 

It could change, something magical might happen in the next week.  That has not been my experience.  While I am heartbroken, there is also a little bit of relief -- taking away the pressure of getting to the horse trial took away the panic and anxiety of wondering how he will make it.  Now if it works, that's great, but if it doesn't, I'm now mentally prepared to pull his shoes and start over again next summer.

So now it's just me and two half-broken horses, kicking around the broken remnants of our goals.  Maybe we'll share a beer and share a dream of a brighter comeback.  Maybe we'll just lean on each other and watch the days crawl by, waiting, always waiting, for a little luck to glance our way. 

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The Horseman's Decision

Dr. Bob warned me on Tuesday that Encore would be sore for a while following a rather large chiropractic adjustment and recommended that I keep him on bute for the rest of the week.  I asked if he would be ok to do the horse trial and he didn't say no.  But I saw a look that I knew and I wondered.  Looking back, I think he made a gamble and because he knows me, hoped it would work.

I schooled Encore lightly on Thursday, some walk/trot lateral and stretching work and a few crossrails.  He felt great.

We trailered to the Horse Park on Friday and settled in for the night.  I wanted to hack him that evening, but ran out of time and daylight and we had to settle for a walk.

Carolina dawn.

 The Moment of Weakness

Dressage warmup was ugly.  Encore was unfocused.  I regretted not making the time to at least longe him the day before.  He had no bend, ignored my leg except to leap forward from every application.  He was stiff, cranky, and anticipatory.  40 minutes of work brought some improvement and I thought we might squeak through.

We didn't.  He turned like a motorcycle, ignored every aide, had no bend in either direction, stiffened and braced whether I was soft or not, and generally brought me near to tears by the end.  Which is almost impossible.  I made a promise on this blog that I would be open about the whole process, that I would not create some kind of false Facebook life where only the good is shared.  So yes, there is a video.  A sad, sad video.  Erm, at least I am getting better at sitting up straight?  And yes, yes he is violently allergic to the rail and wanders drunkenly down the long side like a lost cow. 



I slumped in despair when we left the arena.  Arriving back at our stall, where we were next door to our friend Sue and her magical, wonderful homebred, Rocky The Amazing Horse, I finally said it out loud:  "This just makes me want to give up.  I want to pack up my trailer right now and go home."

The Rally

I didn't.  I took a deep, shaky breath and took a long look at my horse.  I gave him a snack and a drink and thought hard.  He is a worker bee, he does not generally just behave like an asshole because he can.  Gearing up for stadium jumping (it was a one day HT), I decided to feel every step and carefully evaluate what was going on beneath me.

He jumped five or six warmup fences well, moving up when I asked and mostly maintaining a rhythm.  But he leaned hard on the left rein and his left lead canter was a bit flat.  We started our course and after jump 1 when he hit the ground running, the pieces began to form a clearer picture.

He ran at the jumps and about halfway through, started pulling rails behind.  There were only 9 fences so it ended quickly and as we walked out, the answer was clear:  his left hip was still sore, despite the bute and he needed more time.  Apparently a few jumps was ok.  15 was too many.

The Big Decision 

We began our walk over to XC, my first thought being, "Well, we might as well finish."  Then I paused.  Why?  There was nothing to gain -- the course was EXACTLY the same as the once we jumped at 5 Points, there were no new challenges.  I hadn't checked our dressage score, but I've gotten fairly accurate in my assessments and it certainly was not competitive and we'd just pulled at least 3 rails.  I knew my horse was sore and there was nothing to be gained by running him up and down hills for 4 minutes, knowing he would jump flat, chip in, and generally try his best while being physically compromised.  That would just be stupid.

So I walked over to the steward (who was very kind and sympathetic, thank you), calmly informed her we were withdrawing because my horse was sore, and returned the barn to pack up.

The legendary CHP steeplechase infield would not see this Thoroughbred's hoofprints today.

Disheartening?  Absolutely.  A hard choice?  Not really, because I strive to always put my horse first.  Frustrating?  Well, considering my day would have been better spent drinking and setting $300 on fire, yes, I'd say so.  Six hours of driving and we had neither learned nor developed a thing.

The Aftermath

I knew someday it was a choice I would have to make -- looking out for my horse in the long term vs. the short term gratification of completing an event.  It was a choice I will never forgive myself for not making for Solo and it cost us both a great deal.  It was the indisputably right choice to make for Encore yesterday.  I was also encouraged that people in stabling near us that I didn't even know expressed their support and good wishes for our choice and our future when we made it back.

I don't think there is any real damage done; I will talk to Dr. Bob on Monday and assess.  The only real stressor is that we have four weeks and I'm already $400 in to the VA Horse Trials in November.  A part of me wants to just give up, scratch, move the surgery up and be done with it.  This fall season was supposed to be fun, the last good thing I had to look forward to for a long time.  Since 5 Points, it has not been fun.

Because I think it all traces back to that point (ha, see what I did there):  Encore was going very well and had an excellent dressage test.  But he had two big slips on XC on the hard ground and even then, I felt something that I couldn't identify and he jumped poorly on Sunday.  Now I am just upset with myself for not figuring out the problem sooner -- a tweaked up back that just needed a reset and some time, which I attempted to do too close to a competition because I was too slow.

But I am stubborn.  Perhaps stupidly so.  But I'm not giving up just yet; I never thought for a second any of this would be easy.

As of this past Wednesday, he is tapped for studs and wore them on Saturday, so we shall have no more slipping.  Hopefully, all he needs is a bit more time for his hip to settle and rest and he will be back to good.  Did you hear that, big, young, thing?  Get good, I need you!

Oh, we'll be back.  The dream will not die that easily.

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Shhhhh, Did You Hear That?

It was nearly like the sound of a new post forming.  This only counts as half of one though.  I must apologize for a quiet summer; field work is rather like being slowly eaten alive, yet still-half enjoyable?  And the universe continues its focused plan to smoosh me, but fails as yet...

Solo has been finessing his guilt skills, trying to push his nose into the halter hole when I get Encore.  I take him out for a trail ride or a work session when I can, but there is so little time.  He has lost all that hard-won muscle and I'm a bit sad on the trail, where he stumbles and tires easily compared to the muscle-bound athlete he was before.  Before everything changed.  I look at him now and am frustrated, I want more for him but my plan to bring him back to shape this winter ended before it even began.  I can read his frustration too, we know each other too well.  But he will be my rehab horse in a couple of months, so I have hope yet to pique his interest.

Our barn wall speaks truth.

Encore and I have our final practice run this weekend in Southern Pines; next stop the Adult Team Challenge in VA.  We've joined up with three of our fellow Adult Riders to make a kickass team, so look out, because Team "Smurf Cocktail" will be looking to burn up the leaderboard!  If I can manage not to do anything stupidly obvious, perhaps Encore can bring home his own giant ribbon...

Dr. Bob comes up on Tuesday for a pre-flight chiro adjustment.  Encore's left hip has gotten tight again, which I have learned means that some cracking and re-rotating is in order.  For us both, funnily enough, I see mine tomorrow morning, ha.  I will do my best to assure that we are in our finest fighting form. 

Because October is already here, with November on its heels.  By the time I hit the O.R., I'll be broke and exhausted, but there will be plenty of time to nap later and no lessons to pay for for quite some time.  So I'll live right now, thank you.

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A Sneak Peak At A Horse Trial High

Thank you to all of you who sent good juju our way this weekend!!

First off, CONGRATULATIONS to our friend Sue (owner of beautiful farm where we meet David in VA) and her mare, Grace, who finished 3rd in Grace's first Prelim!!!!!  AHHHH!

If you checked the live scores, you might have thought disaster occurred, as our number was, ummmm, not exactly spectacular.  Or even average.  Good thing I am not one of those nutty competitive people or I would have quit several years ago.

But you know what?  It was a fantastic weekend for TFS.  One of the reasons I love eventing is that the judging is relatively objective, but that also means that the judges only see a snapshot of you and your score does not reflect where you are or how far you've come in your journey with your partner.  That is why I ride for me, to find holes in my training, to improve upon my last attempt and of course, to RIDE THE XC COURSE, DUH, WHY DO YOU THINK WE PUT UP WITH ALL THIS OTHER CRAP??!  Ahem.

Why was it so great?  Well, full story with pictures and video (yes, I remembered to actually TURN ON the helmet cam) are on the way after much uploading, but I'll give you a hint:

I got to ride this horse (photos by High Time Photography) --

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Can I Make The Impossible Possible?

This is how it goes:

Monday I am getting ready for field work, fixing the stuff broken in last week's field work, or driving to field work.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I am usually DOING field work on travel status, which means I am in a hotel somewhere in the economic wasteland (but gorgeous rivers) that is the coastal plain of our state.

Friday, I'm fixing the stuff we broke this week and planning and coordinating staff for the next week.

Saturday, I am exhausted and it is 102 degrees, but I stuff myself into the truck and drive north to ride Encore.  Since he hasn't been ridden in a week, I have to somehow wear him out before I can do anything focused (I have discovered the round pen is very helpful because he HAS to balance or he will fall). 

Sunday, he is much more rideable but I am tired of sweating, even though the temperature has dropped to a balmy 99.  Nevertheless, I truck up and try to do something worthwhile.

I ache to ride Solo too, but what little time I have must be devoted to the youngster.

Because we WILL have a fall season, SO HELP ME COD, because my knee surgery (thank YOU, VA Horse Trials 2011) is scheduled for November 16th (just after the Adult Team Challenge in VA, how fitting) and after that I will not be able to walk until mid-January and it will be 8 months to full recovery if I don't explode first.

Encore needs a schedule (which I can't give him) and I need to build his hind end, especially his left hind, which is still a bit weaker and tight from his pre-injection body habits.  We've made some progress; our dressage lesson today "showed a nice Second Level trot" and because the arena had not been mowed, Mr. Finicky Legs passaged over the 10 inch tall weeds while I laughed at him.  I guess that's one way to get hock action...

Blogging:  EPIC FAIL.  Unless you want to hear about all the fish I can't find because they have somehow vanished.  Who would have thought that the rivers had changed since the last records of the species 50 years ago?  Oh wait...

On the plus side, in November I will have time to write the series I have been saving in my head that I think you will enjoy.  Since I will not be able to do anything else.  Although I have already decided that sitting on a lazy, retired horse is a non-weight bearing activity....

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Time To Be Ready

The entries are sent in.  The checks are signed.  The Coggins papers are emailed to the appropriate people.  After a single outing at Maiden last fall (during which he thought the XC course was the best present he'd ever gotten in his life), Encore will make his spring debut at Beginner Novice in February and again in March.

I am very tempted to bump him up to Novice in March.  I have taken an informal poll among fellow horse people.  David says if he goes perfectly in February and it's all easy, go for it.  My friend, and my gut, say give him two BN's to build his confidence.

The February event (in two weeks!!!) is at a gorgeous farm in Vass where we school XC regularly, so I know the facility and I know the jumps.  I have not seen the stadium jumps but am well at home in the XC field.  I have no concerns whatsoever.  Dressage may be a bit messy, but I don't care -- I'm there for the horsey mileage and the sooner we can kiss BN goodbye, the better!

But it's complicated.  

Solo competing at CHP at Novice in 2010.  Photo by Pics of You.

Because the March event is at the Carolina Horse Park (CHP), my favourite place to event, but traditionally the courses are maxed out on XC -- that is the jumps are at the maximum heights and sometimes widths for the level.  The show jumping courses are designed to be ridden forward and confident and usually have at least one funky turn.  There is a new XC course designer for the lower levels this year (sniff, I LOVED Jeff Kibbie's courses), so I'm not sure what their approach will be.  Regardless, I hesitate to use this as a move up event as Encore has never been to CHP before and it is big, professional, and the last thing I want to do is overface him.  I want him to believe he is invincible.

So the likely plan is that he will remain entered in the Open Beginner Novice in March (it just doesn't feel sportsmanlike to enter Beginner Novice Rider when I have ridden at Training level, even if I didn't complete the event) and I will move him up to Novice at my very favourite event, Longleaf Pines Horse Trial, also at CHP, in April.

Of course, because I have long since learned my plans are made only to be derailed, I am not telling Encore any of this and I am confident something insane will happen between now and then.

Do you have big spring plans?  Training goals you are shooting for?  Trail mileage you want to rack up?  Dust you want to knock off?  Do share!  I am tired of sad, I WANT HAPPY!

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No Day But Today

I'm going to steal that from Johnathan Larson, because there is no better way to put that apt truth.

I know I have hinted, but not explained but some things I just feel are not appropriate or relevant to this blog.  But there are a lot of very bad things going on in my life right now, affecting people that I love very much, and they are things that are impossible for anyone to deal with.  (The horses are fine and I am no more injured than I was a year ago)  I pour everything I have into Encore and Solo, physically and emotionally because right now, that is the only way I can cope.  It is true that, when you boil it down, life is surviving one thing after another, until the thing that kills you.

However, the reason I am writing this sobering post is to tell you with deadly seriousness, from where I am sitting right now, today is all you get.

It's a philosophy I have always lived by, but now it has become very VERY real to me.  In one whispered word, one simple moment, your future, your plans, your hope, anything, can be taken away from you in ways that you never even thought of.  It's like carrying a tray full of promise and then, with no explanation, your hands suddenly stop working and the tray falls to the floor, shattering into a thousand shards of loss.

In no way am I saying that you should live in fear -- nothing lasts forever, we know everything has its end, but we should not dwell in terror of the end.  I am not trying to depress you or worry you.  Rather, I am saying, reminding, relish your today.  And if you have an opportunity, take it.  Because tomorrow, next week, next month, four hours from now, your world can tilt on its axis and change everything.

People often tell me that I am crazy because I'm broke, but I have two horses and I compete (which would not be possible without the help of my amazing mother).  They tell me I should save my money, be more prudent, just wait until later.

But I am taking my opportunity now.  There is one thing, one passion that I know fulfills me and that I want to pursue more than anything.  And I am going to do it every second I have the chance to, to the limit of my abilities.  Because that opportunity may not exist next month or next year or in ten years, for physical reasons, for more reasons I can't dream up.  That's why, even when I have a not-so-great ride, I still untack my horse, pat his face, feed him a treat, and treasure his warm presence that day.

When I took Solo to his first event clinic 3 or 4 years ago, my SO was with us and snapping his usual 500 pictures a day.  I turned to him and said, "You know, you don't really have to take pictures of us just walking around."  A woman I didn't know was riding nearby and she turned to me and said, "You never know which ride is your last one."

Those words hit me like a brick and have stuck with me every time I get on my horse, and recent events have reminded me with crashing force that you can lose your plans in an instant that you never saw coming.  All I am saying is....

Treasure your today with everything you have in you.  Even if it's not the perfect ride you wanted or the score was lower than you shot for or you didn't jump as high as you wanted or even if it is a non-horsey thing....treasure the moments with your partner and treasure the time you spent doing what you love.  Time is yours to waste or use.  Never put that opportunity on a shelf for later, it is yours to make it happen now.

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Just Relax

Sadly, I shall be away from blogland for the rest of the week, as far as I know.  This renders me unable to share my dorkiness genius and impeccable humour with all of you for a whole five days.  It's ok, just let your sobs out.

So I leave you with this:  when one does not clamp down, grit teeth, obsess, nitpick, nag and expect instant perfection during training rides, when instead you relax, keep goals simple, realistic, and light, those rides go 1000x times better.

Thank you, Master Of The Obvious. 

You'd think that after enough years, a person would not need to be reminded of this.  You'd think.

So ponder away, enjoy your rides, have a wonderful week, and prepare for next week's posts, which will include detailed instructions on how to buy a unicorn and some more totally awesome Stuff Saturated With Solo Karma for sale! 

 

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Someone Slap Me!

Encore has discovered his jump.  His big, powerful, sit-on-your-butt-and-leap jump.  Holy mother of cod, I had a lot more horse under me than I expected on Sunday!  But it felt really REALLY good -- he saw a jump, locked on, came up in front of my leg in a strong, balanced canter (where I sat up VERY tall so he was not tempted to dash at it), found his distance, and soared.

His confidence was just plain fun and we even tackled a couple skinny brush boxes, about four feet wide each.  It took a couple tries for him to understand, but we got the light bulb and finished with a very proud pony.  He is jumping regularly at about 2'4" to 2'7" these days, which is mind-boggling to me since he jumped his first vertical in September.

It was a welcome relief for me, as I had found myself unexpectedly frustrated the last few weeks.  Starting out with Encore, I knew he was green, so I expected little and just rolled with it.  I was relaxed, it was fun, all was good.  Then he made great progress, I started making plans, I got an agenda, and I pushed.  It didn't help that stress from other areas of my life piled on.  And on and on and on. 

Of course, this did not become clear to me until we had a dressage lesson on Saturday, during which Priscilla was forced to give me a mental slap in the head.  Everyone should get smacked in the head from time to time, it does a world of good.  I felt like I just remembered to breathe again.  As Priscilla reminded me, when I am wound up tighter than a tick's belly and trying to shape my horse with sheer willpower, I will only make things worse.  For me, I have to take a deep breath and tell myself, "It just doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter, RELAX, IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER."  Obsessing over the little things, fixating on details, wanting problems fixed now, can put my brain on overdrive.  Fail.   

I also watched a session from last week's USEA convention, ever-so-helpfully uploaded by John over at Eventing Nation and one section in particular brought everything back into focus.  The videos encompass a Q&A session with 4-star riders, open to any audience inquiries.  Someone asked how much correctness they should demand from a young horse; does everything have to be right right now or do you just focus on one thing at a time?

If I obey the Law, will my horse do that?

This is my problem, I epiphanied (it's a word now, baby) to myself.  This is where I need to refine my approach to youngsters.  Buck Davidson summarized it best:  make a goal for the day and when you achieve it, be done.  Even if it only took ten minutes.  Don't go out and do your transitions and then do your ten meter circles and then do your canter work and then do your lateral exercises.  You will overwhelm a young mind if you just keep piling on.  Leslie Law (at right) agreed and elaborated that, if pony "loses his fizz" after 15 minutes, that's ok, do some hacking instead and just relax.

Clayton Fredericks, Phillip Dutton, and Karen O'Connor also reminded me of the cardinal rule:  ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS KEEP HIM IN FRONT OF YOUR LEG.  He can be counterbent, he can be hollowed out, he can be cross-firing and swinging his head and swishing his tail, but he better be in front of your leg.

For us, that means picking our goal for the day and sticking to it, resisting the temptation to practice everything at once.  That means overlooking what is not-quite-right and keeping my eyes instead on the incremental progress.  That means not letting Encore get lazy and behind the leg (not much of a problem with that one, who still transitions to canter like he's leaping out of starting gate, ha!).  I feel calmer, more focused, and better prepared to go forward from here.

Now if it will just stop being dark all the damn time...

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Just A Thought

In the quiet just before bed, there is lots of time for thinking.

Always thinking.

I used to just ride. Get on horse, squeeze legs, make some circles, follow the trail. Riding.

Nothing wrong with riding. It's good for the soul. It stills my clamouring heart.

But I grew some sport goals. Only I didn't know how to get there.

Then someone whose name starts with a "W" and ends with a "d" and has "offor" in the middle taught me about being a thinking rider. Not just thinking about riding, but Thinking about Riding.

I discovered possibly the most powerful tool in the arsenal. I began asking "how" and "why" and "when" and "what's another way" and the momentum began to build.

There are always speed bumps, of course, but I analyzed them too and even those had something to teach me.

The Thinking Rider watches every step, feels every breath and adjusts, listens, waits, plans, and adjusts again. And that is all before the next step. They've thought an entire essay by jump #2.

I am only a Thinking Rider padi-wan but I can feel the power of the Force waiting for full realization.

(Is that one geeky enough for you?)

One problem, though. Once you kick-start the Thinking, you can't turn it off. Lying on the pillow at night, looking out the office window before lunch, driving home in the afternoon, even dreaming.

You are adjusting, listening, waiting, planning, all to the rhythm of hoofbeats in your head...no time for sleeping, working, or eating.

It's a double-edged sword. And I gladly hold out my hand every day for another cut. Because I think tomorrow I can ride a better jump.

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When Do I Get To Sleep Again?

Exhausted.  Training 3-Day at Waredaca was awesome yet again.  Many tales to be told.  All competitors made it around safely save one, who had the misfortune to fall and break her arm, but she is young and will heal with time, thank goodness.

Upon arriving home from the sprint from Maryland, I (a) thanked the heavens for sunny warmth, (b) slept for an hour, (c) ran to the barn to ride Encore, (d) leaped off to let farrier replace his pulled shoe, then (e).....zzzzzzzzz...what?  eh?  oh....uh, yeah.

Tomorrow!  Encore makes his horse trial debut at FenRidge Farm!  His dressage test is at 12:06, we trot into stadium at 1:54, then we wiggle around XC at 2:08. 

My hope is to let Encore have a fun, safe horse trial run, get the feel for how the day goes and just experience his first miles on jump courses.  I don't care if the score is 100 as long as he tries and has a positive go.  Our cross country will not be timed so we can take it easy and look at one question at a time.  With any luck, it will be a completely uneventful day! 

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Brain Drool

Broken horses leave far too much time for thinking.

I pace the barn aisle restlessly, wondering what my options are. My crazy addiction to the pursuit of this sport is unrelenting, but like many others at the moment, my wounded partner cannot oblige my goals.

I hold desperately to the hope that he can come back for fall, although I have no guarantees that that will actually happen. If he does come back, then what? Can he actually make it to my goal of a Training 3-Day? I don't know. We will certainly try but it will not be easy for him. I kick myself for not knowing 5 years ago what I know now -- had I started this journey then, oh, how I might have defeated the enemy of time while my horse was a little bit younger.

I have to accept that my horse is probably limiting me. I know that I have the desire and the ability to achieve my goal and then some, but because my horse always comes first, I have to move at his pace. Which right now is practically zero.

In some fantasy world, the solution would be simple -- pick up a CANTER horse (heck, I've already got three picked out that I'd throw in a trailer today) and start bringing it along as The Next Horse. Problem: I could probably buy it, but I sure as heck can't board it as I'm pretty sure BO does not offer "two-for-the-price-of-one" sales. I only have enough quarters to keep Solo in housing and rice bran.

For some, this would probably be a quick solve -- sell Solo, buy prospect. But I can't do it. In so many ways that I cannot elucidate, the Orange Beast is uniquely in-disposable. I still remember the change when Mr. I Don't Really Trust People placed his faith in me at last and that is an agreement I cannot betray. I feel that I owe him a safe future. Not that this couldn't happen with someone else, maybe it could, but until I could guarantee that, I am not releasing him to the winds of fate. I guess that makes me a Rider Committed To Horse instead of a Rider Committed To Sport. Each has its tradeoffs, I suppose.

Which leaves me back at stuck. Anyone want to be an owner, I'll take your horse to 3-Day stardom, LOL?

Solo has taught me an immeasurable volume of lessons which I actually am SO excited to apply to another horse but I do not begrudge him one second of massages or handgrazing and I enjoy spending the time with him as he rests his nose on my knee. I generally don't ride much in July and August anyway -- it's just too damn hot for woman or beast, so in all honesty, we're not missing out on much as long as I can hold SOME condition on him.

Yes, those echoes you hear are just a brain spinning itself dizzy in hypotheticals and dead-ends. Keep a rider out of the saddle too long and she starts to go crazy(er).

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It's Worrrking, It's Worrrking....

Despite the 17 layers of sweat, Solo and I had a great ride today!  Funny how two months ago, a great ride meant powerful extended gaits and lofty oxers.  Because today it meant even stretching in the trot and 18" crossrails.

He's got some spring and swing back in his trot, once we get warmed up. The jumps are easy and balanced and rhythmic and relaxed. He's even stretching down at the canter, which is slow and metronomical (I just made that a word, ha!).

This means, in short, that I've finally struck a combination of things that are working. Magical tape + Robaxin + deep massage with Surpass + stretching till my eyes roll back in my head = IMPROVEMENT. The massage is slowly breaking down the scar tissue and I can feel the knots in the muscle getting incrementally smaller. The Surpass is taking away some of the pain in partnership with Robaxin, which relaxes clenched muscle fibers. The tape and stretching are helping to increase circulation and rebuild new muscle and heal injured spots.

Ok, that wasn't so short.

But I am thrilled to finally see some progress in this slow slow recovery. Yeah, we should be leaping 3'3" jumps right now -- but instead of being ticked off that that's not happening, I am instead pleased that we are meeting new objectives; we are doing better than we were a week ago!

I try hard to keep my eye fixed on what happens tomorrow and what happens next week. I am single-mindedly focused on those muscle groups: moving them, stretching them, working them through their protests and gradually, oh so gradually, bringing them back up to par. There is nothing more to be gained by wishing we were doing more (ok, I admit, I give in a little sometimes) but everything to be gained by the baby steps we are doing today.

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Lookie Lookie Lookie!

Here we are, at the top of the page show below -- officially listed in the TRAINING RIDER division at the VA Horse Trials! Wahoo, I'm so excited I may actually pop!  (you can click it to enlarge)

This is the same venue we visited last fall. Only this time I have the advantage of knowing what to expect.

Since the horse trials are co-scheduled with a Preliminary 3-Day Event AND a CCI*, this is going to be a PACKED house this weekend. I am trying to imagine the chaos of last fall and multiply it accordingly but I am sure I have underestimated.

We'll be sharing the stabling rows with many folks including Boyd Martin (OMG, EN John will be missing Boyd-rides!!), Cathy Wieschhoff, Kim Severson, Holly Payne, Karen O'Connor, Lauren O'Brien (I have to root for my jumping trainer's wife!!), Lauren Keiffer, Rebecca Howard, Sinead Halpin (still high off her recent fabulous performance, I am sure!), Nina Fout, Sally Cousins, Jan Byyny (back and healthy competing at Intermediate, wow!), and Hannah Sue Burnett. Thankfully not in my division!

T minus four days till departure...

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Post Game

We have officially completed our first outing at Training Level!  It was our favourite local venue, who hosted a schooling show with a Combined Training option (dressage and stadium only).

Highlights:

(1) WE WON FIRST PLACE. In our division which consisted of...me. ROFL. I let the organizer keep the ribbon for later use.

(2) We scored our lowest score on a single dressage movement ever! Yes, that is a big "3" for the right lead canter depart. Or as Solo translated it, the leaping, twisting buck that led to cross canter that led to running trot which finally culminated in a right lead. I figured I better just sit there until he sorted his shit out. The rest of our canter work was equally craptastic. Apparently accidentally feeding Solo two breakfasts was not the best idea.

(3) Solo DEFINITELY knows he is an event horse. After dressage, we met with our saddle fitter to work on dressage saddle. Solo kept gazing wistfully at the cross country field and finally blew a big bucking tantrum during my trial ride because I ALREADY DID DRESSAGE, IT'S TIME FOR JUMPING, DAMMIT. Amazing how he suddenly became totally calm once I started putting the jumping boots on...

(4) 3'3" stadium jumping is not a problem for Solo. He only pulls rails when his pilot forgets to properly ride the jump. 4 penalty points for me.

(5) I need to do two dressage tests at horse trials. While our test had moments of ok-ness (hey, we figured out how to make centerline "relatively straight"), our dressage saddle trial ride AFTER the test was simply awesome, complete with fantastic trot extensions and transitions. Sigh. To do #457: add mini-test to warmup routine.

Overall, I think the CT served its purpose well, pointing out the spots I need to ride better. Solo jumped really well again, which I am beyond thrilled about. I even used the studs since the ground was wet and I know that venue has slippery clay hiding beneath. Lesson: road studs are NOT enough for lots of grass and clay.

Tomorrow: clean things AGAIN. Plan. Maybe write stuff on the calendar and erase it and write different stuff. Fantasize winning blue ribbon in VA and then laugh at hubris. Fantasize completing VA with a qualifying score for Training 3-Day and pat self for realistic goal. Find someone to talk to other than weird self.

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Keeping Track

I may or may not be an eensy teensy bit OCD (shush now, lifeshighway). I like to plan. Although generally my plans become playthings of the fates. I like to colour-code. Although there always seems to be one more category than I have colours.

Solo has a Google calendar (of course he does) but it frustrated me endlessly that I could only view one month at a time. I wanted multiple months viewable at once so I could get an at-a-glance feel for things and I didn't want them to be tiny.  So I may or may not have heard angels singing from parted clouds when I stumbled upon a giant dry-erase 90/120-day calendar at Office Depot.

Now, I feel so much satisfaction I think I might pop.   This is what April looked like.

In all its three months of glory, below.  Blue is for horse trials/shows, green is for lessons, red is for vet care, and black is for miscellaneous notes.  Every time I look at it, I feel like I need a cigarette or something afterwards...

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Why Do We Keep Doing This?

Solo's had the week off while I have been dragging boats through the mud at work.  Even while being attacked by nettles and mosquitoes, I was coasting on a multi-day post-horse-trial high. 

I finally got back in the saddle in today's perfect sunshine and we took to the woods.  Between flushing turkeys and quiet rat snakes, under crying catbirds and bickering redtails, there was plenty of time to breathe and think.

Shouldn't you be annoyed, my brain queried?  You finished LAST, out-competing only those poor souls who had the shoddy luck to get eliminated.

Yeah, I told its annoying whine, but 2/3 of it was a GREAT ride.

I made mistakes.  Big mistakes.  I'm pretty sure anyone watching me thought, oh dear, that poor girl, who let her in?  So by all rights, I should be mad about it, right?

Here's the thing:  I'm still thrilled about it.  And THAT is the reason I love this sport, the reason all my friends are rolling their eyes because I sound like this:  "eventing horse horse eventing eventing eventer horse jump eventing eventing horse evented eventing."

It's because at the end of the day, it's not all about the ribbon.  Although note that I will still squeal like a little girl if I ever win a ribbon.

But what it's all about is my journey with my horse. 

It's all about how exciting that round, powerful jump felt underneath me on Sunday because that jump didn't exist two years ago.

It's all about the lessons in pace and balance I finally managed to digest and apply to my courses.

It's all about seeing myself finally starting to THINK while I am riding.

It's all about my pride watching my red horse grow and develop into an athlete.

It's all about the sheer joy of watching his ears search out and lock onto obstacles, showing me that he knows and loves his job.

That is why I'm not mad.  Because the only person I am competing with is myself.  The only test is whether we can go out there and put in a better performance than we did the time before, whether we can conquer harder tasks with a more developed skillset.

Because when we're out there on course and my center is balanced over Solo's and I can feel the energy from his hind legs finally pushing up into the bridle and I can fly on the arc of his bascule over a broad table, I know exactly what it's all about.   When I can feel that, it doesn't matter if I am first or 20th or 500th.

There, in that moment, there is no question why we do it.  There is only the doing and the fervent hope that we get the chance to do it again.

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